Although, due to current events I'm feeling a lack of purpose, the day to day blandness and the constant head butting with my husband (I'll get to that soon) is just wearing on me, often times I'm treated like a door mat. So I've decided to make this upcoming year the year of change. I vow to become a better mother, wife, friend and person. I'm going to have adventures, concur fears, find my self, let go of the past and most importantly achieve the feeling of having purpose again.
On my wedding day i heard the phrase "the first year's the hardest" little did i know how hard it could be. During my reception i got a lot of "good lucks" and "stay strongs" from our guests, which completely baffled me. Now, i know, now i know. This has definitely been a bumpy ride so far...don't get me wrong my husband is a very good man. He is compassionate, faithful, honest, loving, funny, a great father, and sweet. Then sometimes, he is the most inconsiderate, sarcastic, and clueless person i have ever met. He can just be just outright dense sometimes. I know, that's a little harsh, but Oooo sometimes i just wanna shake him!
I should tell you a little bit about my husband dearest. My husband is in The United States Navy, and fortunately he isn't the average sailor. He's not a drinker or a cheater, and is done sowing wild oats. I met tom in january of 09, and started to spend a lot of time with him. After two weeks of house sitting, we moved in together. Three weeks later he was shipped of to Korea to meet his ship. I was left behind without knowing whether or not there was a relationship anymore, after a black out period (when they cut communications) of two weeks he started to write. We vowed to be loyal. I caught the flu and had it for about 3 weeks and couldn't get rid of it. lol Thats about the time i found out i was pregnant. I wrote that email, with shaking hands and tears on my face, i felt stupid i knew better than to be so reckless, guilty because he might not be the type that wanted to deal with it, and scarred because it was my first pregnancy.
He wrote back to say that he was exstatic! The he was soo exicted he couldn't sit down and spent the last half hour telling everyone he saw on the boat the good news. For 6 months after that we wrote emails daily and got to know eachother. When he was in port we took things slow ( i know it seems completely lame being how i was already pregnant but i wanted to know that it was meant to be) we spent alot of time talking and making plans for our daughter. We got a duplex to rent andsent up our house. Slowly but surely, we had a home and a very good realationship. We got engauged in febuary 2010. Things have been very good since,(not including current events, still getting to that) and we had a beautiful, small, garden wedding in august.
On to current events......
The struggles started about 4 months ago. His reenlistment is coming up in march. We discussed plans of him getting out of the navy. His current ship is due out to the gulf for a lengthy underway this year. The thought of him being away from his new family and especially our daughter, for such a long period of time killed him. So he flirted with the idea of using the training, schooling, and experience he had in the navy to do a different job outside of the service.
First it was to be a fire fighter, after researching and taking to local firefighters, we found that in Washington it was really difficult to make it a career and that we'd be lucky to even get a shot at the seasonal big fires and it's super dangerous.
Then, it was being a police officer, two years of schooling and no income didn't sound like a risk we should take, even roughing it which i offered to get a job ect and try to make it but there has been so many cuts in the police forces that people were getting forced to retire early.
Finally, it was the shipyard. They lay off and drop guys constantly, sure its really good pay but how long will that last? With the economy being the way it is, it just seemed like a big gamble. In fact two days ago all the contractors we bought off by a larger company based out of California leaving over 1,000 people without a job during the holiday and over 2,000 people applying for the new jobs opening up.
Anyways, this is how the last few months have gone, my husband doesn't apply anywhere, he doesn't look further into the the fields he wants to go into, he just talks about it, or gets his info from B.S.er (excuse the language) guys that are in the parking garages or hanging around the shipyard. I tell him the info I've dug up, express conern about future employers, conern about the ecomnomy, told him to start with apps back in september, offered to help with a resmue almost every other day. I was met with "there's plenty of time", "i know they'll hire me", ect.
Then November rolled around. My husband still hadn't decided exactly what he was doing. He went from "i'm going to do the shipyard" to reinlisting. Meanwhile our bank account isn't looking good. There's rent and bills to pay and we're barely making it. which is another strain on the both of us. that's what we get for not being frugal.
One day we get into a tiff. I had told him that if he wanted to do the shipyard he should really get his app in and do a resmue and fast! That time was running out and with him comepeting with 2,000 or so others for a job and he should get on it. He snapped, which was going to happen because he's been as stressed out and scarred as i am. "well, if you would be a supportive wife and you actually believed in me we wouldn't be here, you're forcing me to reenlist and i don't want to." He went on to say that I needed work in being a wife, a mother, and running the house.
He litterally attacked all sides of my womanhood. I was so hurt. I take pride in being the mom that i am, i have a wonderful daughter, who is very bright and she's a good baby (not that there are any bad ones) and i keep the house very nice, sure i could use a better routine and not cram stuff into a closet instead of finding a place for things(a bad habit i didn't get rid of from when i was in high school), but i'm not a merry maid & i chase a one year old around during the day.
This is about the time that i just felt like a pile of dog doody, i adore this man and of course i want him to adore me. I want to feel that he couldn't do this without me. That I matter, that I make a difference in his life. Then I'm told I'm a hindrence. It hurts. Ever since then he's been an arse. He gives me what he calls "constuctive critisism" which really is "this is how you do this, but my way is better". Then there's when i want to go see my friends or family "i don't understand why you have to spend so much in gas when you can just call them" gee, they're my support and i didn't know i had to explain my free time to you. This is when he goes underway that I go, when i'm all alone at the house. Why not go see my friends and family? Or, the worst one is his control factor like its his job to father and quide me. Hello i'm my own person, and i will conduct myself the way that i see fit. I'm in no mood for a power stuggle, i've been there before in another relationship. I belive everyone is different, everyone has quirks, phobais, faults, and we're all entitled to them. That's what makes us human. tha'ts what make us different.
I've expressed all this to him and explained in atleast a hundred different ways how hurtful and descrutive it is. He just can't understand. He gets deffencive and says that i he didn't mean this, that, or the other thing. Or it's "what i said was" .... just a dead end. Unsure of what to do i just decided i guess i'll work on me. Focus on me for once in a long time, being a mom, and i just hope he wakes up. I think he also needs things to be more stable and know what to expect at home. Like i said he's as freaked out as i am. He's never ever this way it just seems the closer we get to reinlistment the more tense things get.
Wow, this got lengthy, If you're still here and haven't fallen asleep on your keyboard, i appologize i just needed to get that all out of me. I feel much better about it. Anyways I've got a pile of laundry that needs folding. toodles.
femme au foyer
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